Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
