why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We had sex on a dog bed..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
