The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We had to coat check the pizza.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
