My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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