Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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