I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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