I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
