I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Randomize
