dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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