How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I have demons in me.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
