there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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