Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
