If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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