Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
