But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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