I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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