i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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