I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
