You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
God gave him joint rollers for hands
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
