I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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