so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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