My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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