All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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