You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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