and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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