if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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