I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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