So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
