My friends, they love my intelligence
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
