Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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