like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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