ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
