Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
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