Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
