the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
