kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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