Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
