I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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