If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
