I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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