A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
