There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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