I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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