I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Randomize
