Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
