I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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