Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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