That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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