So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Randomize
