im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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